


The Question of Happiness

by gustin_puckerman



Category: Koe no Katachi
Genre: Depression, F/M, Suicidal Thoughts, but they all have a happy ending, ishida and nishimiya are a gross couple who's rlly into each other, seriously
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-01-03
Updated: 2018-01-03
Packaged: 2019-02-27 20:35:47
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,858
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13256127
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/gustin_puckerman/pseuds/gustin_puckerman
Summary: Everything heals with time. Shouya is trying to believe that. Or the story of what happened after the manga and anime.





	The Question of Happiness

**Author's Note:**

> listened to 'To Build A Home' by the Cinematic Orchestra whilst thinking of them and i weep. i mix manga and anime canon together so. yeah.

 

>  I DON'T NEED YOU TO FIX ME. I WANT YOU  
>  TO HOLD MY HAND WHILE I FIX MYSELF.  
>  \- _Wise words I stole from the internet_.

* * *

 

 

At the night of Nishimiya's almost suicide, he makes a promise to celebrate her nineteenth birthday together. It takes Shouya a full month to realise Nishimiya never really promises back.

Every time he recalls of it, it prickles him with a trembling sense of fear.

Not the suicide — though he still sometimes have nightmares about how the water plunges into his lungs — but at the fact that, at any moment now, if he's not careful, Nishimiya will turn around and find herself another balcony to jump off from.

And thus, tall building scares Shouya a little bit. Tall building where Nishimiya is in them scares Shoya a lot more.

But every day Yuzuru-chan updates him that Nishimiya is sleeping soundly in the other room, and the door to the glassed sliding door is fully locked with their mother having the only one to have a full access towards it, and Nishimiya, blesses her soul, e-mails him every morning to wish him a good day — while it doesn't quell Shouya's fears completely, they do ebb away quite significantly. 

The morning messages more than anything, but that's not the point.

He just wishes that Nishimiya would promises back though. At the very least, though childishly, Shouya would hope that he would secure her for another year.

Just another one.

Another reason, really, to be with her a little longer.

 

 

 

* * *

 

 

 

 

Three months after the fiasco, nothing really happens.

Nagatsuka-kun is planning to make another film, which is exciting, but one project Shouya has to decline from joining when he finally takes up on a part-time job. Nagatsuka-kun wails about his absence, but Shouya is well-adversed in the fact that his help isn't completely needed. When the group asks Shouya why he'd gotten the job anyway, he gives them reasons varying from wanting to help Mom and to buy Maria a new present for her birthday. She's been asking for a set of toys that weren't cheap, and it gave him a little routine and something to look forward to every other day.

(After all, Shouya isn't a stranger to part-time jobs and taking orders and receiving pays.)

When Nishimiya asks him, quite personally, if she could maybe bake the cake for when Maria's birthday comes near, Shouya holds his tongue from blurting out how maybe apart of him is saving money so he's able to take her places.

In any case, for those who are wondering, Shouya says yes.

 

 

 

* * *

 

 

 

Despite his sly ambition for acquiring a job after-school, Nishimiya and him don't really have a chance to go out alone with the group as much.

Which is fine - because it wasn't like Shouya personally targeted to have Nishimiya all to himself.

And she deserves to have more friends outside of him anyway. Not that the summer they've spent together wasn't amazing or anything (in fact, it was a little depressive, being the two loners who came together when all of their friends were basically chased away, but still—), it was really fun, but Shouya knows his presence alone wouldn't improve anything.

Regarding Nishimiya's happiness, that is.

Or her new determination, as he's observed, to change — like Sahara-san does, or Kawai-san does, or Euno-san (sort of, _maybe_ ) — for the better.

And maybe, if the change works, if everybody just gets better from here, maybe then Nishimiya can be happy with herself, and not hate whatever she is or what she stands for, and — well.

She can forget the feeling of wanting to kill herself.

 

 

 

* * *

 

 

 

Shouya finds that, after a while, he really likes talking to Nishimiya. And observing her.

Not creepily, but uh, he's probably already very creepy anyway, and — he doesn't know where he's going with this. But yeah. Nishimiya is... she's pretty. And she's kind. And she — she's insecure, but she tries anyway. Shouya can see this. Her effort, it just... Just like him, he thinks. Just like how he wakes up everyday and try to — not be like how he was.

Shouya still cringes at that, at his past mistakes.

Sometimes he can't help rewinding everything back to the starting point, to the girl with the short hair and a hopeful smile and a notebook explaining why she wasn't talking. What would've happened if he just — _ignored_  her? What would've happened if Sahara-san stayed? Or the teacher gave more shit than he was pretending to give? Would she had stayed and not moved away? Would Shouya have grown up along with her and watched her make new friends after Euno singled her out and met Yuzuru in some other way and would still get along with the guys?

Would Shouya learned sign language at one point?

His heart aches, and Shouya touches his chest just as he feels a shadow looms over him.

When he looks up, like any other time, Nishimiya is smiling at him: bright, beautiful eyes so sincere it makes Shouya travels back to some child too nervous and too entranced to look away. She signed: [ _Are you okay? You look sad, Ishida-san._ ]

Her fingers are so dainty. Shouya remembers being glad when it was out from that cast. She looked bad being hurt and bandaged like that. Like a painting ruined.

 _[I'm okay now]_ , he signs back, and smiles.

He takes her hand, and squeezes to reassure.

When she squeezes back, Shouya's chest mimicks — but in a good way. He beams.

 

 

 

 

* * *

 

 

 

Being happy, or satisfied, Shouya finds, isn't about what other people want.

Like, uh — if he's okay now, but he is only living for the sake of not wanting to disappoint Mom or upsetting Maria, it will still not matter a lot. Being alive, that is. Because it doesn't—he _isn't_ _happy_ , you know? He isn't happy by _himself_. And Shouya understands this, he thinks, because Nishimiya-san might be going through it. He can see, you know, her determination to live — to not harm herself for the sake of her mother and little sister, and, when he's being a little too prideful of himself, for Shouya's sake too.

But that isn't how it should be.

So when they meet each other one night after Nishimiya suddenly texts him from out of nowhere, Shouya — while hesitant at first — hugs her tight and waits out on her sadness that she leaks as she trembles and shakes and pleads for them to go away.

Nishimiya apologises afterwards, but Shouya feels nothing except an overwhelming sense of gleefulness.

At least if she'd admitting them, if she's bold enough to try and _fight_ _for her happiness_ instead of bearing it all alone, then maybe it can still be helped.

It can still get better.

She can still be happy.

 

 

 

* * *

 

 

 

When Shouya calls Mrs. Nishimiya at four o'clock informing that Nishimiya-san is at his house and fast asleep later after her breakdown, he really expects a slap would come to him the next morning. He's prepared for it, in fact.

What he receives instead is a hug.

 

 

 

* * *

 

 

 

It comes to the point that Shouya would just text back Mrs. Nishimiya whenever she asks him if Nishimiya-san is at his house. It's getting kind of embarrassing, honestly, but at least Mom and Maria and, whenever sister is at home with brother in-law, they don't truly make fun of him. His room is still isn't fully furnished though, and more weeks passed with Nishimiya staying over has made him guilty when he sees Nishimiya rolling her shoulders in, what must've been, an attempt to rid of the ache from sleeping so frequently on the floor. [ _I can buy a bed_ ] Shouya signs and speak up one day, with Maria trying to imitate his animated hands by his side. 

At the stove, Mom is finishing up her version of crepes.

To say that Nishimiya-san's reaction is incredibly dumbfounded would be exceedingly understating them, but at least the blush is adorable.

"Octopus!" Maria yells, just as Mom laughs aloud while Shouya stammers out how weird his suggestion had come out as and that he apologises for it. 

When Yuzuru stumbles in later with Mrs. Nishimiya, with Mom already preparing them their portion of breakfast, Nishimiya-san tugs him on his sleeve and signs: [ _A bed is okay. I would like that._ ] The blush across her face has an alluring colour to it, and Shouya's heart is hammering at the thought of them squeezed closed like this on the sofa, and Maria, on Nishimiya-san's laps, having no idea of just how quick and dizzying his hormones really are. _Damn_. He needs to get himself together.

It's just Nishimiya.

Except it isn't, because Nishimiya-san is just...

She's just everything.

[ _Alright. Then a new futon, too. So I can sleep in it when you take the bed_.] Shouya manages to reply, his own cheeks, he suspects, heating up as well. If Nishimiya-san notices, she doesn't make note of it. She smiles prettily, and something in Shouya's chest softens. She nods.

It's good that he's been saving money from his part-time jobs, then.

 

 

 

* * *

 

 

 

They start dating about a few weeks later.

According to everybody, it's a long-overdue kind of thing. Like something everybody has expected at some point. Which is ridiculous, because _Shouya_ certainly isn't expecting it.

And it happens kind of quietly too. Just a random night when Nishimiya-san is over. The bed has been there for about five days then, and it's the first time Nishimiya tries it. Deny as he might, Shouya has been waiting for her to. He doesn't really know what sort of bed would be of her taste — the one that's too soft? Too hard? — but he's hoping that this one that Mom chooses is okay. It's fine with him when he sleeps on them. He just hopes the times when he's sweated over the pillow isn't already sticking the whole package. That would be bad for Nishimiya-san, he would imagine.

When Shouya is on the phone with Mrs. Nishimiya to inform her that Nishimiya-san is over, he gets chided. But not because of the — er, sleeping arrangement. "Call my daughter with her name, already, Shouya-kun. Might as well. Easier that way, right?"

Shouya is flabbergasted, and could barely reply when Mrs. Nishimiya demands a straight-forward answer.

[ _Is it okay if I call you by your name, Nishimiya-san?_ ]

When Nishimiya-san nods, it's a coy one. Shy. Reserved. Her head is down, her posture vulnerable.

Shouya is suddenly all-too aware that he, too, is on the bed with her. (They were testing them together beforehand.) While she's just clad in nothing but a thin shirt he owned back in middle school and a pair of shorts Shouya manages to steal from sister.

[ _Ishida-kun_ ] Nishimiya signs later once the phone is off, and her eyes are bright from where the moon hits them. _She is so pretty_ , Shouya thinks. He doesn't deserve her. [ _I like you. As more than a friend. Can we_ —] her movement falters, and she is astoundingly red. [ _Can we date?_ ]

No, they don't sleep on the same bed after he says yes. And yes, both of their blushes haven't subside even after Shouya slips into the warm futon and Nishimi—oh, _Shoko_ now, he supposes— presses her face against the pillow. Though their hands do extend to each other and meet half-way. When Shouya smiles under the dimmed moonlight shining from the outside, Shoko (his heart beats: _ShokoShokoShoko_ ) smiles back.

Their hands squeeze together.

 

 

 

 

* * *

 

 

 

"I liked you, you know." Euno admitted one day when the group is out, and Shouya finally convinced the manager to give a day-off for Nagatsuka's last day of filming so they all may celebrate. "Like, before. And maybe even a little bit when we met again."

Shouya is speechless. In his peripheral view, Sahara-san is teaching a few crew mates of Nagatsuka-kun's little production sign languages while Shoko smiles kindly at them for their effort in wanting to try. They're laughing at something. Shoko is very pretty.

"I thought I can try again. Or something."

Shouya remembers Euno like this, next to him in that class when Shoko still has that short hair. Euno was bristling, he thinks. He's been watching for a while. He remembers thinking, _it's a shame Euno has to keep up with the girl. So troublesome_.

"I should've known I couldn't win."

Maybe in another world, one where they actually grew up together, they could be sitting like this a little differently.

Maybe his heart can like Euno back with all it had. Can _love_.

Maybe he can make her smile widely again — Euno has always been prettier when she's happy.

"I think I liked you, too." Shouyo admits rather ruefully, one hand going to the back of his head to scratch. Euno is staring at him now. He feels awkward. "I think that's one of the reasons why I started bullying Shoko. I hated how she was being a burden to you."

The silence that befall them was long.

Euno is looking at her feet.

"You're an idiot." She finally says.

"I know." Shouya admits, and lets go of the what-if that his mind has thought of a second ago. Maybe in another world, Euno and him are perfectly together. But Shouya is in this one — Shoko is looking at him now, waving a hand and smiling — and honestly, it isn't so bad. He finds himself rather liking it day by day. Mom is healthy. Maria is perfect. Sister and Brother-in-law are not letting their early marriage became a wall to hold them back from enjoying their youth. His friends, too... They're not too bad. Shouya waves a hand back, smiling, "I'm sorry. I — thank you. Your feelings, it must—"

"Oh, shut up." Euno is sharp-edges and blunt remarks as ever. But blunt doesn't always mean bad, Shouya knows this now. "It's whatever. I've moved on."

Shouya doesn't quite believe it, but when he stands up to join Shoko — linking their fingers together — he has no doubt that Euno one day actually will.

Everything heals with time. Shouya is trying to believe that.

 

 

 

* * *

 

 

 

At the premiere of Nagatsuka-kun's movie screening, the gang are all together again.

It is in the middle of the film when Shoko tugs on his sleeve and, once she's seen him turned to look at her, signs how she's happy. [ _I'm glad we're all here tonight. I wish grandmother's here to see everybody like this too._ ] She sniffles, a tear drops, and Shouya is momentarily panicked at the alarming image of his girlfriend crying. But Shoko is laughing through her tears, and soon, grabs his hands in hers. He pauses, and stares. [ _I'm so happy tonight. Thank you._ ]

It's not meant to be heard as her last words, but Shouya holds her hand throughout the night without once letting it up.

 

 

 

* * *

 

 

 

She doesn't end up killing herself.

And her nineteenth birthday passes quite eventfully. Shouya is there when the surprise birthday party is organised, and kisses her cheek when her nose is flicked with the frosting of the cake. Later, when the night dies down and everybody begins to leave, Shoko fits herself right against his side on the couch and they spend a whole one hour just basking in each other's presence. And if she's pampering Shouya with kisses along his jaw in the meantime, so be it.

[ _Last year, I made a promise to celebrate your 19th birthday with you_.] He admits a little sadly, hearing sister's lullaby to Maria lulling both him and her niece to sleep somewhere in the back room. Sister has always had a nice voice. Shouya remembers wishing that he could have one as well. A good singing voice. But seeing how gentle his hands move to match Shoko... well. Maybe it isn't so bad after all. [ _I was afraid that wouldn't come true_.]

When Shoko replies, it comes slower — she must already be sleepy — but her movements are precise, anyway. [ _I'm sorry for worrying you_.]

[ _No, that's not it. I just—_ ] He pauses, cursing the words for failing him so quickly. [ _I wanted to spend so much time with you._ ]

[ _You will. We made a promise remember?_ ]

Shouya waits.

[ _I'll help you to live. Just like how you helped — and continue to help — me_.]

When Shouya smiles again, he will deny that there are tears coming down from his eyes. Shoko immediately turns to him, and she's voicing out words he doesn't really understand before helplessly trying to wipe and kiss the tears away. His hands are on her waist and she's so, _so small_ , Shouya thinks. So light. Shouya wants her like this forever.

[ _I love you, Shoko_.]

Shoko ends up crying too, and it is still the best tears they've shed.

 

 

 

* * *

 

 

 

They've still got a long way to go, Shouya knows, but it's alright.

Slow and steady.

He can work with slow and steady.

 

 

 

* * *

 

 

 

When she finally promises back, it's through a text.

[ _Let's celebrate lots of birthdays together in the future, Shouya_.] Read 2:11 AM

[ _I'm looking forward to it_.] Sent 2:12 AM

It makes his heart beats nevertheless.

**Author's Note:**

> (1) originally had it ended with them fast-forwarding into the future where they had a baby girl at age twenty six cause they got married pretty early, and ishida works at a desk job while nishimiya ended up becoming a private teacher for the deaf. buuuut that was kinda far-fetched so this is okay i guess. (2) theyre definitely the kind of lovey-dovey couple who likes to give each other quick peck kisses at the nose and forehead and cheek. (3) idc what anyone says shouya turned out to be a fine young man and i'm so happy that he tried to live and try again everyday even if it was hard :(


End file.
